smile no more

i need to write so much right now. everyone and their mom knows what im going through but im overriding my feelings for that right now. i dont even know if thats possible.
im gonna try though.
yeah its probably not
ill end up talking about it.
i know me. my heart always wins.
im reading an article on beliefnet.com. one goes to my email everyday and one popped up the other day, its called "how to photograph your happiness".. i decided to open it last night. and before i started reading it i got distracted and looked at a picture of brian and i. its one he edited. and it was a good day that day, i remember. i have a lot of pictures of him looking at me...but this one i love for some reason. i feel like the curves of our faces fit together. its like its made from a 3-d puzzle.. with a beautiful cottage by a meadow you can hear the water trickling from. with the sunlight warming his face.

i cant look in the mirror and smile. i cannot look at my own smile, its not even mine anymore. he is not there to smile at my smile. hes not there to say anything to me. i cant laugh, there is no joke to be told. when he laughs i laugh because i love his laugh. his laugh is no longer anywhere but inside my head. i cant laugh.
no
i will not do it.


i stared at that picture for so long.
i started reading the article this morning and i came across this..

Every photo has feelings and memories underneath its surface; choosing the right one enables you to revisit those moments all over again
.......
.........
...........thank you. like i didnt feel that when i engulfed the picture for hours.