to whom are you truly loved

to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world..
its stuck in my head but its not qualifying right now.
who am i the world to.

there are people that hold mallets. people that hold meaningful conversations. people that hold the world in the palm of their hands and recreate it. and people that hold that same power and abuse it.
some people have great families and are in great working relationships and get all the love they could possibly need everyday.
im some of that people. but i still dont feel loved enough
maybe its because i dont yet see the love other people truly have for me
maybe its because i dont yet love myself

the smell of rain

ive always hated summer. every one that i can remember since ive been able to remember has always been bad. and i mean real bad.. not just sitting in the house for two months eating my feelings and gaining twenty pounds. which is exactly what i did the first summer. i was alone, i didnt want friends and all i did was eat. thankfully that school year i ended up getting back to my normal weight.

the summer after that was the first time i ever felt hurt by a guy, other than my father. the one after that was better because i finally found friends i thought i was going to keep forever and i had a lot of fun just being a girl. although knowing in the back of my mind at each minute there was still something missing, i always felt a little out of place with whoever i was with; meaning friends of course.

the following summer was the best yet. i had met him a little before summer time. we were friends for a bit until we decided being together was what we both wanted. i was with him for a whole nother year. and by now both of us were starting to grow apart as people which i never thought would happen. but still that summer was okay.. well the beginning half anyways. the end of that summer was the worst summer and pain i experienced yet. and as im writing this its hard to place the time of events in my head. it seems as though after the passing of my gram (which is why only the first half of the summer was good) a lot of what i went through before her sort of fizzles. of course everything prior to her, what i went through was important but obviously no pain could ever compare to a loss like that. that was the summer of 2006. doing the math in my head i suppose i was with my first love for about two years. i lost both my best friends in a duration of a week. and somehow i just thought that i would never see either of those days come. and if they did i expected one to be there if the other wasnt. and nobody could hold god from needing another angel so why did i have to lose my boyfriend too...i honestly thought i wasnt going to live. i mean what are you supposed to think, or feel when something like that happens.

i suppose it pisses me off more than anything that he left with no remorse. and what he did while my family and i were all going through this was even more disgusting. and i truthfully cant yet say im completely over it. i probably would be if my gram wasnt attached to it...... anyways..

i met someone new at the end of that year and boy was i in for a carnival of love. i was never really together with him but i surely loved him. i was surprised in myself how quick i fell after being so heartbroken over my first love, and he was never a stepping stone. but i guess i thought to myself i deserved better than what my first had put me through.. lol....i would of been better off being alone. that summer was really hard. it was filled with so much bullshit and bipolarness i thought i was never gonna come out of it.. and by the end of next summer, i finally did.

i of course met another person. but i felt this time was different. i took it slow because he was currently unavailable at the time and i certainly didnt wanna fall for another person that was already taken. i wanted to take it slow for myself. i started my first job with him and i was finally getting my life back together. i had grown independence and i wasnt so depressed anymore. as time went on my feelings grew and grew and it wasnt hard to see that his were too. i always wanted someone that would drop everything for me, for them and he did just that. since we worked together i of course marked every shift i had with him. i live a couple miles away from our workplace and every time i knew i had to work with him it was like i could run as fast as i could and never get there quick enough. he lit up my heart every time he smiled, even if it wasnt as me. so we grew from there and the next summer i spent with him was a really big turning point for me. i had friends i met the summer before that that i had held until this summer. for some reason when anyone walks into your life and you do nothing but think about them even if they are just friends you always think to yourself theyll always be here. and i really thought that with those two friends.. well one of them at least...... so stupid.. no matter what would of happened between our friendship somewhere i always knew it would end and i told myself and him i never wanted to see the day, he promised me he would always be there.. i again thought i wouldnt live. but i saw it, and im still at least half alive.

i did the most hurtful thing i have ever done to anyone that summer, to my boyfriend. and although my friendship with that other person is over, and i was very pushed aside, i feel without any care.. i dont regret anything, but the way i hurt my boyfriend.

nobody has ever been here (outside of my family) like brian has. ive never loved anyone more.

the tears have been stewing in my throat while writing this but just last night i felt like i had finally come out of blaming myself for my friendship ending. i am still bitter, reasons of which are quite obvious if i ever meant anything to that person but like i said the other day, all you need in life is truth and clearly he wasnt very truthful.

on a lighter note my room is being redone, again. this weekend. im so excited. none of that remodeling stuff could ever be possible without carl. a lot actually couldnt be done without him. god definitely blessed me with a dad away from blood. i love that man with my entire heart. id be really stuck without him.

the summer that just passed was heart wrenching and so lost. but it had so much growth and i thank brian every second for still being by my side. i cant wait to have another summer with him. i cant wait to smell that smell of rain with you.

today