smile no more

i need to write so much right now. everyone and their mom knows what im going through but im overriding my feelings for that right now. i dont even know if thats possible.
im gonna try though.
yeah its probably not
ill end up talking about it.
i know me. my heart always wins.
im reading an article on beliefnet.com. one goes to my email everyday and one popped up the other day, its called "how to photograph your happiness".. i decided to open it last night. and before i started reading it i got distracted and looked at a picture of brian and i. its one he edited. and it was a good day that day, i remember. i have a lot of pictures of him looking at me...but this one i love for some reason. i feel like the curves of our faces fit together. its like its made from a 3-d puzzle.. with a beautiful cottage by a meadow you can hear the water trickling from. with the sunlight warming his face.

i cant look in the mirror and smile. i cannot look at my own smile, its not even mine anymore. he is not there to smile at my smile. hes not there to say anything to me. i cant laugh, there is no joke to be told. when he laughs i laugh because i love his laugh. his laugh is no longer anywhere but inside my head. i cant laugh.
no
i will not do it.


i stared at that picture for so long.
i started reading the article this morning and i came across this..

Every photo has feelings and memories underneath its surface; choosing the right one enables you to revisit those moments all over again
.......
.........
...........thank you. like i didnt feel that when i engulfed the picture for hours.

rest stop

when i look out the window where the mountains are i always feel.. even though im in my chair, im sitting in an unfamiliar place. not even that, a place ive never been before. and when im staring out, even though its my window, i feel like im looking into something ive never seen before..but yet its what i see all the time. like im in a scary movie.

sun kissed

woke up with two hours of sleep, went back to sleep. woke up again with four.
went to the pow wow with carl pam and dante
did two of my favorite things; took pictures, saw wildlife
aw those baby turtles..
it was so hot. too hot. the sun burnt me
mom picked carl up near where we were eating so they could go see a friend
pam and i decided to explore our favorite roads, while dante dreamt
i love cape.
and the winding roads
and how the sun comes through the trees that are hanging over the roads
and the new but old looking different colored shingles on the cottage houses with gardens that look like fairies crafted them
we stopped at two lights and climbed the rocks
that horn was so loud
dante found his own swimming hole
and we hummed to the sea snails
pam showed me her old house and told me how she used to sled down the hill behind her house in the winter. i cant wait for winter i want snow
we came back to the house to leave again for dairy queen
mom came home from seeing an old friend and she had a lot of fun
that made me happy
she told me her friend has horses.
so now i must make a new friend lol
when the sun set bri pam and i decided to go to the beach
we took remi and titan
the tide was so high there was barely any sand to walk on
i looked up for a bit at the stars and saw a shooting one. havent seen one of those in a long time
i ended up bringing home a chair i found
then we went to the dog park
and walked through dark trees
the way remi titan and bri were running it looked like water was following them
it was just the dirt
and then i came home to flamey sitting with his friend
i went up to them and they started meowing each other
for a good 5 minutes just back and forth
lol
of course the whole time i was outside miley was staring out the door
i love you mie

strength

i feel like im the stereotype of so many different things, to the t..
for example..
ive been told by people in my family that im dramatic.
its probably the most insulting, hurtful thing ever to be told that when you really know why theyre saying this buts its completely not what you ever wanted them to feel like you were being..because sometimes its hard to separate what you see and whats not really there.
so the other day i decided to break it down and separate dramatic from emotional.
when youre a drama queen, you like to get yourself into trouble by somehow being involved in an argument, a fight... i cant seem to find more in depth words to fit what people get into. anyways what im trying to say is that drama filled people like to cause whatever they can sit up for any reason whether it be because their life is boring, they have nothing to do, or in the extreme cases (which what case isnt when you like to cause trouble) where you honestly put your whole head into hurting someone, inturn causing you to be that drama queen and that just would never ever ever be me.
when youre emotional, youre really just born with a weakened state of the heart. and as the years progress you have to learn from seeing how other people dont feel, how good that heart is and know so very few hate it. it was really hard to see it when i was little to because i mean your brain doesnt have the growth yet to help separate the important from not.

but im not any stereotype, at all, its like a mix of a lot of different things that seem as close to the stereotype but its just not the whole package.

you treat me the same way, if not worse, than my past did. but yet i know ive done so much to you that it would just throw a normal person away. so at the beginning i understood why i kept seeing glimpses of how ive already been treated. but now, its been so long and i cant see you as anything but what i walked away from a long time ago to try to mend my life again
how can i really trust anyones word when they tell me ill be happier without you; if i know i caused this in the beginning but youre not letting anything go. how can i know if anything with you is real now. are you still really hurt..or are you just another........how could i ever let go from you. i feel as if id seriously crumble. i dont want to be in the future looking at myself saying you should of held on, he really was true. but i dont wanna hold on now and be with you in the future and say to myself, you should of let go.

world wide heart

so i understand that everyone is different. i understand everyone has their own opinions. i get that everyone has a completely different brain, and also people agree on a lot of the same things. but what i (no matter how many times go over) dont understand is what goes through peoples minds when they reach that point of hurting someone you love, without regret. i was just watching the bad girls club and this girl invited her best friend to stay with her and she says there was a lot of drama in the house that night with the other roommates so to "relax" they drank poison in the hot tub.. obviously they ended up drinking themselves to stupidity like most girls and later on in the morning she called her boyfriend, still drunk, and told him that her and her best friend had had sex. she laughed it off, and that morning said goodbye to her friend because she was going back home. later on her boyfriend had called the house and he was like you know we have to talk. so she gets on the phone and shes like blah blah yea you know i didnt mean to all we did was make out in the shower. being the thank godly man, after her predictable im sorry i love you youre my whole heart i didnt mean to cliche speech.... he was ultimately like its not cool, im not like other kids who likes stuff like this, im a man...i dont look at you the same, its not the same and this isnt gonna work... she starts crying and writin her sob story. my heart usually feels, for everything but i just dont feel bad at all. what really goes through your head to make you think its okay to cheat who you love. to be disloyal to the person youve given your heart to. she even says at the beginning of the episode "cheating is cheating no matter if its a girl or a guy". and as im watching the rerun episode again shes saying oh i am bi sexual but i wouldnt hurt my boyfriend and when i watched the end of the episode earlier she says to her boyfriend im not bi sexual....i know this is a tv show but this cant just be all artificial, and even if it is, people had to get these ideas somewhere and obviously somewhere in the world this has been done with a similar personality that this girl has.. shes not remorseful; she wants to do what she wants to do she doesnt wanna think about what will happen if she causes a tornado in the road of her relationship and she wants her home to be completely made up when she gets home..yea too bad. i honestly cant stand this show, most all those girls are exactly what they try to live up to; BAD girls....... she says near the episode when her friend is leaving "aww all my loves are leaving me"..... guess what, you predicted the future.

to whom are you truly loved

to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world..
its stuck in my head but its not qualifying right now.
who am i the world to.

there are people that hold mallets. people that hold meaningful conversations. people that hold the world in the palm of their hands and recreate it. and people that hold that same power and abuse it.
some people have great families and are in great working relationships and get all the love they could possibly need everyday.
im some of that people. but i still dont feel loved enough
maybe its because i dont yet see the love other people truly have for me
maybe its because i dont yet love myself

the smell of rain

ive always hated summer. every one that i can remember since ive been able to remember has always been bad. and i mean real bad.. not just sitting in the house for two months eating my feelings and gaining twenty pounds. which is exactly what i did the first summer. i was alone, i didnt want friends and all i did was eat. thankfully that school year i ended up getting back to my normal weight.

the summer after that was the first time i ever felt hurt by a guy, other than my father. the one after that was better because i finally found friends i thought i was going to keep forever and i had a lot of fun just being a girl. although knowing in the back of my mind at each minute there was still something missing, i always felt a little out of place with whoever i was with; meaning friends of course.

the following summer was the best yet. i had met him a little before summer time. we were friends for a bit until we decided being together was what we both wanted. i was with him for a whole nother year. and by now both of us were starting to grow apart as people which i never thought would happen. but still that summer was okay.. well the beginning half anyways. the end of that summer was the worst summer and pain i experienced yet. and as im writing this its hard to place the time of events in my head. it seems as though after the passing of my gram (which is why only the first half of the summer was good) a lot of what i went through before her sort of fizzles. of course everything prior to her, what i went through was important but obviously no pain could ever compare to a loss like that. that was the summer of 2006. doing the math in my head i suppose i was with my first love for about two years. i lost both my best friends in a duration of a week. and somehow i just thought that i would never see either of those days come. and if they did i expected one to be there if the other wasnt. and nobody could hold god from needing another angel so why did i have to lose my boyfriend too...i honestly thought i wasnt going to live. i mean what are you supposed to think, or feel when something like that happens.

i suppose it pisses me off more than anything that he left with no remorse. and what he did while my family and i were all going through this was even more disgusting. and i truthfully cant yet say im completely over it. i probably would be if my gram wasnt attached to it...... anyways..

i met someone new at the end of that year and boy was i in for a carnival of love. i was never really together with him but i surely loved him. i was surprised in myself how quick i fell after being so heartbroken over my first love, and he was never a stepping stone. but i guess i thought to myself i deserved better than what my first had put me through.. lol....i would of been better off being alone. that summer was really hard. it was filled with so much bullshit and bipolarness i thought i was never gonna come out of it.. and by the end of next summer, i finally did.

i of course met another person. but i felt this time was different. i took it slow because he was currently unavailable at the time and i certainly didnt wanna fall for another person that was already taken. i wanted to take it slow for myself. i started my first job with him and i was finally getting my life back together. i had grown independence and i wasnt so depressed anymore. as time went on my feelings grew and grew and it wasnt hard to see that his were too. i always wanted someone that would drop everything for me, for them and he did just that. since we worked together i of course marked every shift i had with him. i live a couple miles away from our workplace and every time i knew i had to work with him it was like i could run as fast as i could and never get there quick enough. he lit up my heart every time he smiled, even if it wasnt as me. so we grew from there and the next summer i spent with him was a really big turning point for me. i had friends i met the summer before that that i had held until this summer. for some reason when anyone walks into your life and you do nothing but think about them even if they are just friends you always think to yourself theyll always be here. and i really thought that with those two friends.. well one of them at least...... so stupid.. no matter what would of happened between our friendship somewhere i always knew it would end and i told myself and him i never wanted to see the day, he promised me he would always be there.. i again thought i wouldnt live. but i saw it, and im still at least half alive.

i did the most hurtful thing i have ever done to anyone that summer, to my boyfriend. and although my friendship with that other person is over, and i was very pushed aside, i feel without any care.. i dont regret anything, but the way i hurt my boyfriend.

nobody has ever been here (outside of my family) like brian has. ive never loved anyone more.

the tears have been stewing in my throat while writing this but just last night i felt like i had finally come out of blaming myself for my friendship ending. i am still bitter, reasons of which are quite obvious if i ever meant anything to that person but like i said the other day, all you need in life is truth and clearly he wasnt very truthful.

on a lighter note my room is being redone, again. this weekend. im so excited. none of that remodeling stuff could ever be possible without carl. a lot actually couldnt be done without him. god definitely blessed me with a dad away from blood. i love that man with my entire heart. id be really stuck without him.

the summer that just passed was heart wrenching and so lost. but it had so much growth and i thank brian every second for still being by my side. i cant wait to have another summer with him. i cant wait to smell that smell of rain with you.